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Really having problems with depression, curious on suggestions where to go from here

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stevek173

stevek173

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You guys all seem real cool so I'm gonna be 100% real with you on this Saturday night, albeit I have ad some vodka etc. but vent time.

First off I want to say that in no way am I in danger of suicide so don't think that this is a cry etc., just been a really weird time and it is all catching up to me and I think the most awful things anymore and can't seem to get my mind to forcus on the present tense, though I know it is the obvious thing to do to move forward.

I'll summarize some.

This and that til about 2006 when I got this job working as a notary closing agent where I made much more money than I did at any time in my life. Got engaged, making marraige plans, etc. Always had major problems with anxiety though - I go through times where I feel virtually paralyzed (not literally, but from a social standpoint); my father is a manic depressive who beat it, though he was always on some pills. And god bless him - 40+ years working for the federal government awesome Dad, went to Nam and everything.

12.31.08 the Company I worked for, or I guess technically with went under (officially I am self employed and they were a massive client); a lot of crazy drama - in the end owner guilty of embezzling millions and is in jail for years.

Anyway for awhile I still did closings here and there and kinda floated a long.

Always considered above the situation - I always find a way to get along with things.

Bounced around some work for while doing closings that were offered to me, they got thinner and thinner, after bouncing around a couple of things (one mortgage place I closed for offered me processing, then outsources it a couple of months later ?!), etc.

Anyway, present tense. Thanks to my girls whom I am so blessed to have I got back into school and take online courses at a local college (they actually take away your grant for that - wtf?! how is an adult student/professional supposed to be encouraged by that). I work a full time courier job, which given realizing the reality of my situation is pretty good. I love my fiancee more than anything in the world. I also recently started processing with a company I feel very food about and think it could be pretty good. So full time work and student, plus could move on with this new company into a decent job again, etc.

Reading that myself there is soooo much to be encouraged about. But I have the worst thoughts. Constantly. Thoughts about people and situations I should have handled in the past. I put on a smile and pretty much everyone likes me but honestly inside, it's a living Hell. I drown it with alcohol etc. I feel so much anxiety again that I almost feel paralyzed to do anything but I have to otherwise I go broke and can't pay bills and truly fucked.

Alright peace all, just venting be well.
 
the alcohol isn't helping. It makes it worse. And depression is a real issue. It isn't something that is made up and it doesn't make you mental. In a lot of cases, it simply means the body chemistry is a out of whack. Venting is always good.
 
Stevie you've always been one of my favorite guys. You jumped right off the page over at SBR. I'm drawn to interesting, witty people.

I could never give you advice on how to find happiness. It's a constant struggle for most of us.

But I like you. Always have. And I wish you the best my friend.


:cheers:
 
Sounds like what my Dad is going through actually. He lost his job about a year ago and they have money to keep them afloat and such, no one is losing a house or going hungry, but recently he's been having panic attacks, and now he'd going to a psychologist.

He's been on different drugs for about 18 years though, Prozac, Paxil, etc...they just stopped working. Now instead of having an anxiety problem they say it is depression, so now he's on something else.

I don't know you that well, but I understand the struggle and the need to vent.

I felt down in January and started eating better and exercising (cardio) about 4-5 times a week. My mood catapulted.

Listen, we're just posters, and most of us are strangers, but we're also a good group, and I am confident you belong here.

Good luck moving forward.
 
Very much appreciate it guys.

Bread I basically say the same about you not to sound cheesy but made me LOL many times as did others here when you were on SBR, main reason I came here, insight is great from all of you. I especially like how the blatently dispicable posters (BTJ, etc.) just make asses out of themselves when they come check it out here and then just go away. I still ove SBR but man there are some posters there who should just shut the fuck up once and for all.

Cougar yeah does sound similar. It's almost a cliche in this economy, everyone talks about how they are going though it etc.

I've always been afraid of the pill thing, so many stories about it being good for awhile and then worst nightmare etc. might be time though, maybe a genetic thing out of my control?

Nina this might sound stupid, but is the alcohol making me think such awful things the other day? I mean I'm obviously aware of what a hangover etc. and quite used to them...just talking about where the thinking upstairs consistently goes...not sure how else to put it
 
Sounds like it could be anxiety more than depression but they are surely related. This sounds almost exactly like what my Dad is going through.

He's been on medication forever, and honestly, he'll probably be on it forever. My grandmother has the same issues.

Do you exercise?

The only reason I bring it up is because it has helped me on a personal level, immensely.
 
I used to be depressed after my father died and I didn't have a job and my mother was having sex with convicts from the U.S. she was meeting on the internet.

I used to spend and entire day in bed and I would not even eat.

I would masturbate about 8 times a day though.

I didn't drink then, though.
 
In my opinion, I would recommend utilizing your insurance to schedule an intake assessment with an LCSW or LPC in your State. If never hurts to just talk to someone. If you do not have insurance, respond to this thread and I will find you a provider for 20-30 bucks a session. I am not an advocate of medication. In a sick way boards like these have kept me going day-to-day and yes, I gamble to mask a problem. If I didn't have an outlet like gamelive or other forums I'm not sure what my life would look like.

all the best my friend
 
InTheHole beat me to it there.

In so many cases "depression" is situational rather than medicinal. You can't pay the bills, you can't find a job, your kids drive you nuts - whatever the reason, you're not clinically depressed. You're just pissed. Taking pills to balance the stuff in your brain isn't going to work if they're balanced anyway and taking pills isn't going to find pay the bills, get you a job or make the kids behave. But your situation sounds like it you could do with some help whether it be medicinal or just someone to talk things out with. Good luck with things.
 
Worst thing you can do is drink your troubles away. They will always be there when you wake up in the morning, leaving you not only hungover but with a dreadful sense of wondering if you did something to further destroy your relationships with the people who love you.

I am not trying to be a dick here steve, but man up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you are unhappy, do something about it. Change your associations, change your behavior, but for the love of God, do not turn to pills. They will only further fuck up your perception of reality.

BTW, this is coming from someone who has been there before.
 
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