Hooligans Plays Baccarat

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day

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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
 
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My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead
Click to expand...

I see that Mr X. can relate.

mrsxbooboo.jpg
 
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.

He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates.

Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
 
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars.

They win the county and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
 
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love."

Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.
 
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