Hooligans Plays Baccarat

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day

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My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead
 
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train."

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you've done.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for riding with us today.” She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the cunt in the kitchen!”
 
A kid is sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and says, "Hey mom, pass the fuckin corn flakes."

She takes him out back and whips him with a rod then sits him back down and says, "Now would you like something from the table?"

He says, "Well I sure as shit don't want those fuckin corn flakes."
 
I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"

"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"

"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."
 
A redneck is sitting on his Lay-Z-Boy, watching the game, when his daughter comes in and asks if she can borrow the car. The redneck says, "Well, I guess...but you gotta do something for me in return. Either you can suck my cock or let me fuck you in the ass."

The daughter thinks about it for a minute, but finally decides she'd rather give a blowjob. She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, puts her mouth on his member and gags, "Ugh, this tastes like shit!"

The redneck smiles and says, "Oh yeah, I forgot, Billy already borrowed the car today."
 
A rabbi and a priest are out fishing. After about 6 hours on the lake, neither of them having caught a thing, the Priest looks at the rabbi and says "Oh, man. I'm so bored. You know, we should have brought an altar boy along"

The rabbi says, "An altar boy, why"

The priest responds, "So we could fuck him"

Rabbi says, "out of what?"
 
Pedo holding a bag of chocolates approaches a little girl at the park: "Hi, little girl! Listen, if you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of chocolate."

Little girl replies: "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the bag?"
 
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner.

After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".

She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".

He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".
 
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro cinco




What did Davy Crockett say when he saw Mexicans troops running to the Battle of the Alamo?


"Who ordered concrete?"




Did you hear about the two car pile up at Walmart?


50 Mexicans died.
 
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