All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!…And blankets. Mitch Hedberg
I saw a commercial that said "forget everything you know about slip covers" so i did. and it was a load off my mind. then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but i didn't know what the hell they were.- Mitch hedberg
Mitch Hedberg: “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”
I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one . . . but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." Mitch Hedberg
I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shit! -Mitch Hedberg
I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us -- or they thought we were OK. -Mitch Hedberg
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". Mitch Hedberg
I would like to have a product that was available for 3 easy payments and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! Mitch hedberg
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