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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day

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plommer

plommer

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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies. :pballs:
 
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
 
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
 
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A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests.
Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!"

To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"
 
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex.
The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother.
The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.

After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy.
As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump
The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.

The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"
 
Reminds me of the preacher who gave a sermon on the 10 Commandments, hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess. No one confessed but when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
 
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see America's most wanted fucking stage a reconstruction of that.
 
A mother was getting out of the shower when her young son walked in.

He pointed at the area between her legs and said, "Mommy, what's that?"
Embarrassed, she replied, "That's where the Indian hit me with his tomahawk."

The young boy replied, "Wow, right in the cunt?!?"
 
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