Bread
Current Corpse
- Since
- Jan 20, 2010
- Messages
- 28,141
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Some might say that it makes me a bit of a narcissist, and certainly an ego-maniac, to believe that I could possess such a power. But those folks dont know me like I do. I make a regular habit out of having a direct effect on the events of so many peoples day. This could be as slight as dealing with a moody husband or as extreme as someone jumping off of a skyscraper. But make no mistake about it. This is certainly all my doing.
You see, once I bet on something, a teams chances of winning their competition immediately plummet from the 50% area down to 10%. And even when my one-in-ten duck rears its ugly head, you can count on some unforeseen exponential factor to rise up and declare a jihad on my sanity. Im not just another bad beat gambler some sad sack degenerate who cant catch a break - no. I am a God here. Fear me.
Read my book balance, it is written.
Without delving too deeply into the history, I will share todays particular events. I bet on the U.S. soccer team to win. In case you have been living in Duritos mud hut for the last few hours, you already know how that turned out. The Americans overcame a 0-2 halftime deficit to tie the game in scrappy style. Then at the 86th minute, the U.S. scored again on a free kick play. The wild celebration began. Only problem was, they didnt realize that I had money on them. Insolent fools.
Enter referee Koman Coulibaly of Mali. Now you have to admit, I did get pretty creative with that one. Mali? MALI??? REALLY?? Yes. Really. I was feeling frisky. To be honest, I didnt remember where I created Mali either until I looked on my map. Somewhere in Western Africa or South Asia or whatever. After this game, Koman Coulibaly will be going back to Mali, Mali, Mali. Going back to Mali. I dont think so.
He served his purpose. And one nation under God (not me) wept. How were they to know that earlier in the day, I had placed money on their boys? Do I feel guilty about it? Usually I wouldnt, but since this one hit so close to home, I knew I had to make some good of the deal.
Wait, HOW many virgins??
You see, Mali is compiled of 90% Muslims. It is pretty apparent that Coulibaly holds an anti-American sentiment in his heart. But to be fair to him, have you seen the Marmaduke movie? We make it easy for them. My point is that I made the enemy an easy one to hate. Sure, he might not have been sporting a beard and a flying rug, but godammit neither was Jim Joyce! And look at the hell I put that good old boy through! (Yes, I was on Cleveland.)
This isnt about Muslims or even soccer. Personally I think both suck. This is about my power. Can you begin to comprehend the things that had to happen for todays events in that game to transpire? I wont even go back more than ten years because it will make your head explode. But just as a sampling:
Someone had to remember that there was a country called Mali
Koman Coulibaly had to give up his machete (highly unlikely)
The U.S. had to be in a position to take a late lead, thus giving Coulibaly an opportunity to work his magic
I had to escape death/maiming/incarceration after countless EV encounters to make my bet today
I had to make that wrong turn at Albuquerque
Someone had to make a movie about freakin Marmaduke
I think youre getting the picture. I wont even BEGIN to talk about how the French Canadians come into play here. But trust me; it goes way beyond our brains capacity.
So I apologize in advance if I am ever on the same side of a wager as you. I tried to warn you centuries ago in Lamentations 5:9 - We get our Bread at the risk of our lives because of the sword in the desert. Indeed. And nations shall weep.
You see, once I bet on something, a teams chances of winning their competition immediately plummet from the 50% area down to 10%. And even when my one-in-ten duck rears its ugly head, you can count on some unforeseen exponential factor to rise up and declare a jihad on my sanity. Im not just another bad beat gambler some sad sack degenerate who cant catch a break - no. I am a God here. Fear me.
Read my book balance, it is written.
Without delving too deeply into the history, I will share todays particular events. I bet on the U.S. soccer team to win. In case you have been living in Duritos mud hut for the last few hours, you already know how that turned out. The Americans overcame a 0-2 halftime deficit to tie the game in scrappy style. Then at the 86th minute, the U.S. scored again on a free kick play. The wild celebration began. Only problem was, they didnt realize that I had money on them. Insolent fools.
Enter referee Koman Coulibaly of Mali. Now you have to admit, I did get pretty creative with that one. Mali? MALI??? REALLY?? Yes. Really. I was feeling frisky. To be honest, I didnt remember where I created Mali either until I looked on my map. Somewhere in Western Africa or South Asia or whatever. After this game, Koman Coulibaly will be going back to Mali, Mali, Mali. Going back to Mali. I dont think so.
He served his purpose. And one nation under God (not me) wept. How were they to know that earlier in the day, I had placed money on their boys? Do I feel guilty about it? Usually I wouldnt, but since this one hit so close to home, I knew I had to make some good of the deal.
Wait, HOW many virgins??
You see, Mali is compiled of 90% Muslims. It is pretty apparent that Coulibaly holds an anti-American sentiment in his heart. But to be fair to him, have you seen the Marmaduke movie? We make it easy for them. My point is that I made the enemy an easy one to hate. Sure, he might not have been sporting a beard and a flying rug, but godammit neither was Jim Joyce! And look at the hell I put that good old boy through! (Yes, I was on Cleveland.)
This isnt about Muslims or even soccer. Personally I think both suck. This is about my power. Can you begin to comprehend the things that had to happen for todays events in that game to transpire? I wont even go back more than ten years because it will make your head explode. But just as a sampling:
Someone had to remember that there was a country called Mali
Koman Coulibaly had to give up his machete (highly unlikely)
The U.S. had to be in a position to take a late lead, thus giving Coulibaly an opportunity to work his magic
I had to escape death/maiming/incarceration after countless EV encounters to make my bet today
I had to make that wrong turn at Albuquerque
Someone had to make a movie about freakin Marmaduke
I think youre getting the picture. I wont even BEGIN to talk about how the French Canadians come into play here. But trust me; it goes way beyond our brains capacity.
So I apologize in advance if I am ever on the same side of a wager as you. I tried to warn you centuries ago in Lamentations 5:9 - We get our Bread at the risk of our lives because of the sword in the desert. Indeed. And nations shall weep.
Aint I a stinker?
