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To: The citizens of the United States of America

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To: The citizens of the United States of America
From: Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 
To: Queen Liz and your ghostwriter John Cleese
From: One fat old Texan

Regarding your recent open letter to the citizens of the United States of America, let it be known that one who had their asses firmly kicked in a revolution does not have the power to simply revoke the winner's spoils. Feel free to look up "pwned" in the urban dictionary since that is what happened to you redcoats on this side of the pond in the latter part of the 18th century. Better yet, let that worthless, do-nothing husband of yours Philip look it up while you go put a pan of chips on for the royal dinner this evening.

Let it also be known that the vast majority of American citizens who are of voting age, actually participate in the democratic process and contribute to our local, state and federal tax base are firmly behind parts of your plan, especially the disbanding of our Congress. Trust us, we'll notice when the US Treasury begins to operate from a surplus, and all of the do-nothing's over here will surely notice when their bloody welfare checks stop rolling in.

1) Hanging on to traditional spelling of words like colour, favour, labour, et al, will be followed just as soon as you Brits learn what a 'biscuit' really is.

2) Before we go the extra mile to clean up some of our speech, please clean up the 'english' spoken in Great Britain. Seriously, have you ever really listened to and understood what is coming from the mouths of those who live in South Shields?

3) July Fourth can go once we start celebrating St. Patrick's Day under a totally free Ireland. We will also reserve the right to eat something besides Haggis on Robbie Burns Day and will show up en masse and all liquored up to remember the late, great Guy Fawkes on Bonfire Night.

4) Regarding the resolution of problems by using guns, do the Falkland Islands ring a bell?

5) Feel free to come take our guns from us with your most advanced of veggie peeler.

6) I'm with you on the roundabouts; as for the metric system, let us know when y'all get all of your highway signs changed from miles and miles per hour to kilometers and kilometers per hour.

7) We will sell all of the gasoline we import from the UK for roughly $10 per gallon. Understand, however, that we will not be importing any. We have our own, and the threat of $10 per gallon is sure to open up more exploration sites. Be on the lookout for a bill to clean up the mess British Petroleum recently made in the Gulf of Mexico.

8) Regarding chips, french fries and crisps, I refer you back to the 'biscuit' note.

9) Please, lady, do not even try to educate me about beer. There are different kinds -- lager, ales, stouts -- so please do try and keep up. You might take a short trip across the English Channel to Belgium and ask them since they import a lot of what is sold in the UK.

10) Once y'all remake Braveheart with a deserving Scottish actor, we'll pass along your wish list to Hollywood.

11) If you don't like American football, why do so many Britons fill your stadiums to see the occasional contest? Oh, and let us know when you begin to dominate the Kiwis and Aussies in rugby, and can avoid kicking in own-goals on the soccer pitch when you play in the World Cup.

12) We will not stop playing baseball, it's that simple. Also, while Philip is looking up the definition for 'pwned,' have him pull out a map and show you where Toronto is located.

13) The mob, with help from the FBI and CIA, killed JFK.

14) Regarding the collection of back taxes, I advise arming your collectors with something more than a veggie peeler.

15) Cocktail hour begins at 4:00 p.m. here and one more time, our biscuits are served with gravy.
 
Bay Bud
To: Queen Liz and your ghostwriter John Cleese
From: One fat old Texan

Regarding your recent open letter to the citizens of the United States of America, let it be known that one who had their asses firmly kicked in a revolution does not have the power to simply revoke the winner's spoils. Feel free to look up "pwned" in the urban dictionary since that is what happened to you redcoats on this side of the pond in the latter part of the 18th century. Better yet, let that worthless, do-nothing husband of yours Philip look it up while you go put a pan of chips on for the royal dinner this evening.

Let it also be known that the vast majority of American citizens who are of voting age, actually participate in the democratic process and contribute to our local, state and federal tax base are firmly behind parts of your plan, especially the disbanding of our Congress. Trust us, we'll notice when the US Treasury begins to operate from a surplus, and all of the do-nothing's over here will surely notice when their bloody welfare checks stop rolling in.

1) Hanging on to traditional spelling of words like colour, favour, labour, et al, will be followed just as soon as you Brits learn what a 'biscuit' really is.

2) Before we go the extra mile to clean up some of our speech, please clean up the 'english' spoken in Great Britain. Seriously, have you ever really listened to and understood what is coming from the mouths of those who live in South Shields?

3) July Fourth can go once we start celebrating St. Patrick's Day under a totally free Ireland. We will also reserve the right to eat something besides Haggis on Robbie Burns Day and will show up en masse and all liquored up to remember the late, great Guy Fawkes on Bonfire Night.

4) Regarding the resolution of problems by using guns, do the Falkland Islands ring a bell?

5) Feel free to come take our guns from us with your most advanced of veggie peeler.

6) I'm with you on the roundabouts; as for the metric system, let us know when y'all get all of your highway signs changed from miles and miles per hour to kilometers and kilometers per hour.

7) We will sell all of the gasoline we import from the UK for roughly $10 per gallon. Understand, however, that we will not be importing any. We have our own, and the threat of $10 per gallon is sure to open up more exploration sites. Be on the lookout for a bill to clean up the mess British Petroleum recently made in the Gulf of Mexico.

8) Regarding chips, french fries and crisps, I refer you back to the 'biscuit' note.

9) Please, lady, do not even try to educate me about beer. There are different kinds -- lager, ales, stouts -- so please do try and keep up. You might take a short trip across the English Channel to Belgium and ask them since they import a lot of what is sold in the UK.

10) Once y'all remake Braveheart with a deserving Scottish actor, we'll pass along your wish list to Hollywood.

11) If you don't like American football, why do so many Britons fill your stadiums to see the occasional contest? Oh, and let us know when you begin to dominate the Kiwis and Aussies in rugby, and can avoid kicking in own-goals on the soccer pitch when you play in the World Cup.

12) We will not stop playing baseball, it's that simple. Also, while Philip is looking up the definition for 'pwned,' have him pull out a map and show you where Toronto is located.

13) The mob, with help from the FBI and CIA, killed JFK.

14) Regarding the collection of back taxes, I advise arming your collectors with something more than a veggie peeler.

15) Cocktail hour begins at 4:00 p.m. here and one more time, our biscuits are served with gravy.
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